I read a book and caught up on some of my shows. Then I cleaned the downstairs and even got the coffee all set to go for the morning.
It’s 2am and I am really good at avoiding bedtime.
Sometimes life gives such a day that to go to bed would mean laying there and replaying all of the events.
Especially the ones we want to shut out and completely forget.
We knew our 3 year old’s first yearly hospital visit was coming. Last year, we went through a lot to find out that she has kidney reflux. The specialist said that she would be retested every year with a special dye test in the hopes that she would outgrow it by the time she turned 6.
The morning started off with the usual high anxiety parents have knowing their little one would be subjected to invasive tests. When we arrived, the fancy bracelet with her name was put on and she enjoyed showing it to everyone who checked. Her smile was big and bright as she still didn’t know what was to come.
Our assigned doctor was a kind and gentle speaking man. He explained that things from his big computer attached to the wand examining her kidneys showed that it looked like she may have the all clear but we needed the big test. You know, just to be sure.
And that’s when everything changed.
As it was happening, I held tight to my daughter’s hand watching the fear in her eyes which I am sure was reflected in my own. My husband who is usually our calm and collected person of the family was pacing the room. Twenty minutes for this test. We knew she had to do it but she is just a baby in our eyes. She didn’t understand.
The technician said the catheter must have come out. A nurse returned to put it back in. My words were not pleasant. The usual guilt I have when I fly off the handle does not exist here. I kept it together for my daughter. The doctor returned to stay with us to make sure it all went okay.
Only it still didn’t work.
One of my best friends gives the best advice to help me get through anything and everything,
“We can do anything for ten seconds and when time is up, we give it ten seconds more and we keep going.”
That day, I found out ten seconds felt like forever.
Thankfully after it was still not working, the doctor didn’t want to put her through anymore. I was finally able to pick my girl up and hold her to me as we cried together,
As parents, we want to put a bubble around our children so that nothing can hurt them. My mind wandered constantly to moms and dads that have to do this so often with sick children. I prayed hard that they always find their strength and faith to keep their families going.
Walking out of that hospital, my husband and I felt lost. How could we not have the definitive answers we needed? What will the specialist tell us? Will the first test be enough?
Our daughter started to smile and tell us that she was hungry. My husband had to return to work while we went off to Build A Bear like I promised her. I would have promised the world if I could have.
She chose a rainbow one that played Star Wars music. She danced around with it as she played.
That was ten seconds I can hold in my heart for a lifetime.
I continued to keep that in my thoughts as sleep finally came to me.
Thank you for following my adventures at 40 Wishes and Counting.
For those of you who reached out, your thoughts and prayers were very much appreciated!